2006-01-04 - 2:07 a.m.
Boy are my dogs tired.
Just got back from Kansas, (scenic prairie pictures will follow soon) Stayed over in MD last night, drove down this afternoon.
Spent two hours in Richmond, first because of a two-car fender bender that stopped traffic for miles, then immediately afterwards a complete traffic stop that lasted until�
�I could see ahead, where the cars were starting to move again, just past the flashing lights as always, and when I finally go to where the cars were speeding off at 65 miles an hour, there was a guy standing next to a car with the hood open.
And now we know why the coliseum was packed with people hoping to see a little carnage.
People will go to any length to see just a little bit more of that accident, (or in this case, what they thought was an accident)
You�ve all been there, sitting in stopped traffic for an hour, then finally passing the flashing lights and the traffic miraculously speeds right along.
�Oooo! Accident! Maybe we�ll see a little blood!�
I have the solution.
The highway patrol should have a deployable curtain wall that could be set up around an accident scene. The curtain would be all safety orange and have flashing lights ect, and it would be made of a mesh material that is one way transparent, so the cops and paramedics could see out, but passing motorists can�t see in.
Nothing to see, nothing to slow down for, we all get home 2hrs faster.
You saw it here first folks.
So we get to the airport only to find out that our plane is delayed, and the guy ahead of us at the ticket counter is upset because he figured that his two teenage daughters would be able to fly for free.
�Bt they are under 18� he exclaims. The ticket lady says nothing but I can actually see the thoughts go through her head. �Oh�My�God� she thinks.
Then shortly after checking our bags in I realize that I still have my knife in my carry on, (the same knife that I used to fly all over the country with)
Usually I keep it in my pocket until I get to the counter, then I place it in the checked bags, simple routine, hasn�t failed me yet. But I had taken the knife out of my pocket so I would not forget in my haste to get to the airport, and of course when I got to the ticket counter I felt my pocket, no knife, I must have packed it already�
�so anyway we were sitting around waiting for our flight and I reach in my bag and there of course is my knife. Great, so I look around for one of those �mail it home� drop boxes, and see that it is $14.00 to send my beloved blade home, and it won�t get there for 3-4 weeks.
Three to four weeks? Are we in Kazakhstan? You can ride a horse from Kansas to MD in three to four weeks.
So anyway we decide to go buy a cheap bag and check the contraband.
Right next to the gate there is a newsstand, and in front of the newsstand is a table with a big red sign that says �50% off all items on this table!� On that table are some small travel bags.
�Perfect� we say, the bag is actually pretty nice and Jill thinks it would be handy to have for future travel. There is a price sticker on the bag, the sticker says $19.99. Printed on the box is a promotional splash that says �A $40.00 value!�
Wondering if the 50% is off the $19.99 sticker or the original price, I turn the box over, and printed under the bar code is the price, $19.00.
So we wait in line and get up to the lady, who immediately says (in a tone one would use for a person who has asked the same question 50 times)
�This bag is $20.00�
�Then why does the sign say 50% off?� we inquire.
She looks at us like two very stupid people and points to the printed splash on the box �It�s 50% off the $40.00 dollar value.�
I turn the box over and point to the bar code and printed price, �$19.99� I say slowly, trying to keep the �dumbass� out of my voice.
She pauses of a second looking at the price then says, �You�ll just have to talk to the general manager about that.�
Seeing that there was no general manager about, and that there were other poor saps in line waiting for us to finish with Miss Congeniality, we just left it on the counter and walked away. I stopped at the sign and took out the big red 50% off sign and slid it under the table.
�Solved that problem� I said.
So we took all the essentials out of Jill�s back pack, put the knife in there, and checked that bag. As I stood in line to check the backpack, which we had rolled up in a little ball and tied together with the shoulder straps, I realized that it was about the most suspicious thing I could possibly check at an airport that didn�t have wires and a timer hanging off it.
Especially since we had already checked our luggage. If I had been wearing a turban you would be reading about me in the papers.
Standing next to us at the ticket counter a family with two small children, one of whom is wailing like a fire engine. Seeing my apprehension, the ticket agent whispers to me �They�re not on your flight�
Now we are standing in line at the security check in. I�m holding three small items (that would have been neatly carried in a backpack) while trying to fish out the tickets from my pocket.
With my hands otherwise encumbered, I manage to drop the tickets, and they float down and land in a puddle of reddish liquid that I wrongly assume is a spilt slushee.
God if it had only been a slushee.
The screener at the door looks at me apologetically as he hands me a tissue to wipe of the tickets,
�Nervous flyer, must have had a weak stomach� he says.
Onto the screening:
I�ve worn sweatpants, and a t-shirt, I�ve taken off my shoes and jacket and pass effortlessly through the metal detector, only to be accosted by the next screener.
�Sir you�ll have to step over here for an additional search�
�Sir, are you willing to be searched here by hand?�
I say yes, knowing that saying no will only make my life even more miserable,
Then he goes over the entire search verbally, �First I�m going to place my hand over you chest and arms��
By the time he gets done telling me what he is going to do he could have searched my five times over.
Then he completes the most half assed search I�ve ever experienced. I could have hidden two geese and a baby marmoset in my pants and this fool would never have found them. Good grief, if you are going to hand search me, at least do it right.
Then we sit down and wait for our flight. The guy with the two teenage girls sits down next to us.
They make the announcement �Now boarding persons needing assistance and passengers with small children.�
He gets up with his teenage daughters and goes to board the plane.
On the plane:
Seated directly behind me is the family with the two small children.
The younger of the two, maybe 4, has no idea what �inside voice� is. His keeper, sitting next to him, apparently oblivious to her charge, is reading Cosmo.
Not once do the words, �You really shouldn�t yell on an airplane� escape her lips.
Stupid things people do with children:
Dangle them off balconies
Hold them while feeding crocodiles
And most shocking of all� bring them on Airplanes.
Now, if you can manage to keep your offspring from yelling, racing up and down the isles, and kicking the chair in front of them, you are welcome to bring them along.
From my airborne experience that precludes most kids age 0-17 or so.
-Justus
